All of us who experience the violent death of someone we love are plunged into a world we never wanted, a world we start out hating but somehow must make peace with. It is not an easy task. In fact, it seems impossible. The road is too hard, the cup too bitter. But it must be done. Life goes on and we are part of it, with our sorrow and hopefully, our joy. It would take me a long time to find the new world—a place I could live in.

When I left Steubenville, I had no idea of what I was about to encounter. I was still in shock. I was moving into a world I didn’t want. In this world Aaron would no longer be with me. I would have to learn to live with that and the memory of the awful things that had happened to him.

But over the years I have learned what I needed to know—how to cross the ocean and embrace the new world of life for the survivors of a death. This new world is a piecing together of the one that was taken away, the one I was forced to enter, and the one I live in now, as I write this book for anyone who is a survivor of someone who has died as a result of violence.

I’ve listed the stages that I discovered throughout my own journey. I hope they will help you as they have helped me and the other survivors I have counseled in my own practice, as well as people I have met through victims’ support organizations and other local and national groups. I have found that following the stages in order helps people to navigate this painful journey. While we won’t ever forget the pain our loved ones suffered, we will learn how to continue living.

You can choose to begin reading at stage 1 and read through; you can also choose to start at any stage you wish. Ultimately, I’d like you to think of this book as one of your lighthouses in the harbor, a light to guide you through the dark times you will face. Whatever stage you are in right now, I hope this book will help you, in some way, to find a promising new world of your own

 From Chapter 1: Stage 1 
The Journey Begins:  Telling Your Story

“Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives—the power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it and change it as times change—truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts.”-Salman Rushdie

Overcoming the violent death of someone you love is the most harrowing journey of them all—and your grief is a grief like no other, one which you would have done anything to avoid. But here you are; you must make the journey or perish. When violence strikes, your familiar, safe shores are gone and you are thrown into the wide ocean of grief and loss. You will be tossed and battered and nearly destroyed. You will encounter

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© Kathleen O'Hara 2007
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