About Grief and Loss
Help During These Most Difficult Times
|
About Grief and Loss
|
|
"Make Me Worthy of My Suffering" What human being has not experienced loss and grief? Living and dying are natural experiences of our existence. We talk about living, but rarely do we mention dying. We are naturally fearful and avoid thinking or talking about it. Yet we live in a culture which faces death all the time. Random violence, terrorism, annihilation are in the news and fear of these things seem to be ever present. Perhaps if we had more open discussions about our fears of death and dying, we would be more prepared for grief and loss. Grief is often unexplored territory. We don't know what to say or how act around a grieving person. We are uncomfortable talking about the death or loss. We allow the person or ourselves a certain amount of time for grieving and then expect everyone, including ourselves to "get over it", or "move on." When Americans were asked how long people should mourn, the answer was three days. THREE DAYS!? Is this what we ask of ourselves and others? Seems incredulous, doesn't it? I have been a counselor since 1993 and before that, a practitioner and teacher of meditation. I had studied many forms of spirituality and was building a good foundation of faith. However in 1999, I experienced the loss of my eldest son Aaron, which was something I could not possibly imagine, would ever happen. Aaron and his roommate Brian were students at the Franciscan University in Steubenville , Ohio . They just moved off campus in the beginning of May into a house so they could take summer classes On Memorial Day, 1999 their house was broken into and they were beaten, kidnapped, tortured, taken to the woods in Pennsylvania and shot to death. We did not find them for five days. Their bodies were found under two white wild rose bushes. To say that this was an awful experience is too trivial. There are few words to explain what happened. It was as if a storm crashed into the shore on which I lived and shattered my life into a thousand pieces. My landscape and everything I knew changed in an instant. I could feel the crashing, over and over again. My two younger children Anna and Michael and I were plunged into a grief like no other, a dark ocean that we had to cross or else we would perish. We were in shock, sick, disgusted, in disbelief that any human being could do that to another. The first year was a nightmare. It was as though the unseen torturers were always nearby, waiting to beat me up. Every day they would arrive with their hammers and bats and I would feel the pain over and over. I would try to hide and I could not. I learned to get through the daily beatings, crying and waiting for it to pass. I had to learn to roll with the waves and not resist because I knew they would eventually pass and I would lay there drained. And then I would sleep. Any one who has lost a child or someone close to them knows what I am talking about. There are so many questions, but no answers. I had to learn to stop asking and begin to learn acceptance. This is the time when support from family and friends is so important. This was the time I needed the faith and the strength I had been building on in the past. If it wouldn't serve me then, what good was it? Was it real? This, of course, has been an on going struggle. Grief has many layers; it is a lifetime process because it changes us in fundamental ways we can not possibly realize. The question is how we will handle our suffering. Will we allow it to change us, make us more compassionate or will it destroy us? Nietche says: "Lord, make me worthy of my suffering." This is not something we are used to. After all, who wants to suffer? Most of us go to great lengths to avoid it and therefore have few, if any skills to do its hard work. But the truth is that life often brings us suffering, so how then we will handle it? Will we allow it to destroy or transform us? After Aaron's murder, I had to answer these questions for myself. How would I not only survive, but learn to live again? How would I allow this awful experience to transform rather than destroy me and how would I ever learn how to be worthy of my suffering? In the beginning of my journey, I didn't have any answers, but in the seven years that followed, I learned to use some of things I knew and put them to the test, would they work? St. Paul , in his letter to the Corinthians, says "All things work together for the good, for those who love God." This was my mantra as the days and years unfolded after Aaron's death. While I saw such ugliness in his murder and at the trial of his killers, I looked and really saw the beauty that co-exists right along with all the terrible things that go on in our suffering world. And I saw the beautiful things that came out of his death. His death transformed many of his friends and strangers too. I was told stories of finding faith and strength in the darkness because of Aaron. Joyful things happened, and I had to learn to laugh along with the sorrow, expressing gratitude for the good things in the middle of sadness and grief. Today, I have a very deep and close relationship with Aaron. I have had to accept the fact that while I miss him so much and would do anything to see him again, he is still there, in a different form. A few months after Aaron died; I was at the New Jersey shore, sitting on the beach thinking of him. I felt him sitting next to me and could see his image as if he were really there. I started to cry and he said. "Mom, I'm so happy. I said, "Son, how could you be happy without us?" Aaron said "But I am mom, I'm so happy!" "You'll be all right." he said and with that he touched my shoulder and left. I knew he was happy where he was and that I would be all right. In honor of Aaron's memory I have written A Grief Like No Other to help those of us who have experienced the violent death of someone we love and for those of you who are friends of someone who has.
I developed a seven stage method which came directly out of my experience and that of many others whom I have spoken to. The Seven Stages are: Stage One: The Journey Begns: Telling Your Story Stage Two: Life Preservers: Discovering the Eight Qualities Stage Three: Lighthouses in the Harbor: Finding Guidance and Resources Stage Four: The Ocean of Grief : Learning to Ride the Waves Stage Five: Out in the Deep: Practicing the Three Principles Stage Six: The Coral Reef: Generating Creativity Stage Seven: The New World : Emerging Possibilities Inside the pages of this book you will find practical ways of dealing with grief. You will find inspiration and help and the very real experiences of others who have made the journey before you. I will share with you how I learned to allow suffering to transform rather than destroy. How to tell and write your story, how to develop the eight qualities you will need to cross the ocean-and many other tools which will help you make your journey. It is written with those of you who have lost someone to violence, but also for those who want advice on how to help friends and colleagues who have experienced loss. It will help educators, therapists and professionals who want to understand and help others whom they work with. This book does not dwell on the horror of violence, but offers hope, compassion and a way to make the journey to a new life. My hope is that this book will help you find the strength to go on and live life even in the shadow of your loss. There is a new shore waiting for you, you may not see it now, but it is there.
Blessings on you and yours. Please write and share your experience or story with me at keohara@aol.com . Kathleen's new book is available at the following retailers:
|
|
